No Words

This photo shows an orphan in Russia. On the left is his public database photo from several years ago when he was a baby. On the right is his updated photo. 

There are no words. He is banging his head against his crib to self stimulate because he is in his crib all day long. The only time he gets any human interaction is when his diaper is changed once per day. His skin is becoming wrinkled from malnutrition. His eyes haunt me. There are several children in his same region who had families in the U.S. officially matched to them, now awaiting transfer to this institution.  Some have been to this institution and that is how I know these things about it. Not all institutions are horrendous like this one. But some are. Too many are. Tonight I don't need to go into the reasons why, or talk about poverty or unequal allocation of government monies. Tonight all I want to shout to the world is to look at Kyle's face and pray for him, pray for all of them. 

There are more like him, in Russia, so many more, now with little to no hope left. How can I make such a sweeping statement? Based on the fact that Gabe was only the third child with Down syndrome ever to be adopted in Moscow, a city of over 10 million people. We were told this by the Department of Education. The other two were Jeana's beautiful girl and another friend of mine who adopted only a few months before us. And if Moscow is the most modern and wealthiest of Russia's cities, it isn't hard to guess how the orphans in the poorer, rural regions are faring. 

Kyle had a family here who saw his baby photo on the database and fell in love. They were close to beginning their home study to make him a member of their family when the ban took effect. 

Please pray for these children. 

A Celebration Five Years in the Making

It's your day, Gabriel Artur Preece.  For five long years, without even knowing it, you have waited to celebrate the day of your birth with your mother, your father, with a family who cherishes you.  It's your day.

We put up the "Happy Birthday" banner, we blew up the balloons, you laughed and giggled every time Jake would shout "happy birthday, Gabriel Artur Preece!"  I wasn't quite sure if you remembered what "birthday" meant, although you have seen each of your siblings have their birthday celebrations since you joined us on Valentine's Day.  But when daddy finally got home, and friends gathered, and a candle was lit on a special cake, it dawned on you....

Not a big fan of cakes...what's the big deal?

Hey, they're all singing to me!

I'm special, I'm loved, I'm celebrated.

 I'm going to blow out that big number 5 candle with all my might.

And then I'm going to ask my dad to light it five more times...

I should have asked someone else to take photos, because I was so caught up in the moment that I didn't take as many photos as I wanted.  So many thoughts ran through my head.  Thinking back to the day you were born, in a hospital thousands of miles away, in Moscow, Russia, to a mother who felt like she couldn't raise you.  I wonder what she was going through as she signed away her maternal rights, handing you over to the nurses and saying good-bye?  As a mother, I can't imagine a world where she wasn't experiencing anguish, despair, hopelessness at the thought of leaving that hospital without her baby, never to see you again until that cold winter day when she came to say a final goodbye to you at the orphanage.  If she could only see you now!  Her sacrifice, her anguish, became a special gift to our family.  The pain of that thought is never lost on me, and I will always be grateful to her for wanting more for you.

In true birthday fashion, you were served your cake and ice cream first.  Of course, you didn't touch the cake, but you had three servings of ice cream.  You love ice cream.  You sat with joy, surrounded by friends who love you, and eating ice cream to your heart's content.

Then it was time for presents.  You didn't seem to remember this part, or at least that there were more than just one gift, because when you opened the flashlight you tossed the paper aside and seemed perfectly content that this was your only gift.  You have so much to teach us.

But the kids convinced you to stick around for the rest of the presents.  

Mom and Dad got you a tool set, since you're always going around the house with a pretend hammer saying "dub dub" for the pounding noise it makes.  

The shovel was also a big hit, but you were curious about the box everyone else was so excited about.  You didn't know what a slip n' slide was, but I knew you would love it.

Your big brother had to show you the finer points of the toy airport your grandma gave you.

It didn't take long for you to decide you loved it too.

(remember that little playhouse in the background? Big smiles)

I bought you this shirt at the last minute because when I saw it I just knew how handsome you'd look in it.  I love your soft brown skin so much.

You went to bed so quickly that night, spent from the day's excitement.  As I rubbed your little head to sleep, I reflected on just what miraculous changes you've made since coming into our lives.  I thought about those 32 days I spent in Moscow, fighting for you and your future.  That feels like a dream now, another life, but there are still moments it comes rushing back in big waves and I still can't figure out why we were so blessed at every turn in that ordeal, while 300 other kids are still trapped, having met their new parents and now sit wondering why they haven't come back for them.  Your life every single day is a testament to the rightness of international adoption.  I hope you will always be a beacon and light for the world to see that when it comes to love, there are no borders.

:: 

The day after your birthday we pulled out the slip n' slide, and sure enough, you were squealing with joy as soon as the water started squirting across the plastic.  All it took was one run-and-slide by Kennedy and you knew just what to do.  Pure. Joy.

I asked you if you like it, if you were having fun...

Yep.

Just lounging with the girls...this is a rough life :-)

What summer day would be complete without popsicles? 

Just hanging out, getting sprinkled on, you know.

Jake, the lizard basking in the sun on the slide.

Soon friends joined us and it was fun times five.

They forgot to slide :-)

There you are, enjoying your popsicle on a warm chair, not a care in the world, just as it should be.

Happy birthday Gabriel, my little Russian miracle.

Love,

Mom

Then and Now

Had to start out this post with Gabe's latest funny-he knows he can ALWAYS get me to laugh when he does this.  He came up with this trick all on his own.  He is such a ham :-)

Three months home and we are seeing a new child.  Gabe has come so far in so many areas, I thought it would be fun to write up a "then" and "now" post.

Then: A boy who immediately hugged and kissed anyone he met, trying so hard to always be in the good graces of anyone who seemed in authority.  Part of this was just his personality, waiting to show it's true face, but much of it was simply survival mode.

Now: Gabe doesn't reach out for just any adult now.  He is happy in mine or Brian's arms, content knowing we will provide him food when he's hungry, comfort when he's hurt, a safe place to be.  He still hugs and sometimes kisses others, but it's because he wants to, which is a huge difference than feeling like he has to.

Smiling for a picture to send to Olga

Then: According to our translator, Gabe only spoke about ten Russian words when we picked him up.  He would babble a lot, mixing pieces of words, but didn't have much of a true vocabulary.

Now: Gabe correctly uses well over 35 English words, and understands probably 95% of what we say to him.  He follows directions correctly, he has a great memory, and only needs a small amount of prompting when he doesn't understand something.  He still signs a lot, even while he's saying the word correctly.  He is recognizing and talking about his emotions, a big developmental step.  He likes to tell me when he's excited, and we have a standing joke about being grumpy (which is a fun sign to make, and he makes to cutest grumpy face ever).

Today, while sitting on my tummy as I laid on my bed.  These are some of our favorite times together.  He needs a haircut!

 Then: Gabe would only hold our gaze for a few seconds at a time, and his attention span was very short.  When he first came home, getting him to sit on my lap and read a book was nearly impossible.  He was very restless and wandered a lot.

Now:  Gabe looks forward to nap time and bed time because he likes to read a book together.  We lay in his bed and sometimes use a flashlight to read the book he has chosen.  He loves to talk about what is happening in the book, and is so smart, pointing to things I ask him to point to, answering questions like "where is _____?" and labeling animals, people and things.  It is the neatest thing to point out families in books to him.  We point at the mommy and daddy and the son and daughter, and I tell him, "this is like Gabe's mommy, and this is like Gabe, and this is like Leah, and this is like Jake and Kennedy.  This is a family, and we're a family too!"  He always gets a big grin and says, "family," such a happy look on his face.  Often he'll lean over and kiss me.  He is understanding what being in a family means, and that he is a part of a family.  This is the most rewarding thing in the world to witness: him belonging, finally, to someone, and realizing it.

He now will look me in the eyes for a long time, and I see no fear there anymore, no trepidation, no wondering if I'm the real thing, if I'm going to stick around or if my "shift" is going to end.  He looks at me with those giant pools of brown eyes he has and he trusts that I truly love him and want him.  He is no longer so restless, content to sit in my lap for longer periods of time and just snuggle (oh how I love this!).  He lets me hold his hands and stroke his hair and rub his tummy.  He is learning how to play appropriately with siblings and how to take turns.  He is realizing that they are not his competition (usually!), and playing together can be really fun.

Gabe made this for me in church on Mother's Day.  My first of many little hand prints to come.  Brought tears to my eyes.

Then: When he would eat, he would moan with nearly every bite, saying a little "mmmm" sound, like it was the first food he'd had in ages.  He would eat so fast, taking bites so big I couldn't believe he wasn't choking with every swallow.

Now: He tries nearly every food we offer, no longer moans when he eats.  The only food he takes giant bites of still is oatmeal (which he ate often in the orphanage).  He gets mad when I tell him to take smaller bites and show him what size is good, but then he does it and says, "mom!" to get my attention so I can see that he's taking smaller bites.  He is learning to trust that I'm not going to take away his food, that he can take his time eating.  He would also always try to eat one of his siblings' food, even when he had a full plate in front of him, seemingly wanting to load up on as much as he could from wherever he could get it.  Now he only tries this occasionally, and usually as a joke to one of his sisters or brother.  He knows when he asks, "more?" I will almost always say yes (unless I know he has had plenty and don't want him to have a tummy ache from eating too much :-)

Then: When he would be reprimanded for disobeying or hurting someone, he didn't really seem to care at all.  He would laugh and try to run off.  He had no empathy at all, really.

Now: He gets sad when he's in trouble.  I almost feel bad saying I was cheering inside the first time he had a little trembling lip when he was in trouble for hitting Leah once.  I was so excited that he actually felt bad that I was disappointed in him.  That was a great sign of attachment and a huge victory for our relationship.  He now always shows emotion when he has to go to "time in" on his bed for disobeying or breaking family rules.  I sit him across from me and hold his hands while I tell him what he did wrong and how to fix it.  He says "sorry" appropriately and genuinely cares when he's been scolded.  And I am so proud of the way he almost never hits anymore, instead he expresses his feelings through his words and signing/actions.  He's learned that it's okay to be angry or sad and express that emotion, as long as he's not hurting anyone while doing it.  And I have to say that his little rants when he's mad are actually quite cute, pointing his finger and going off in a mix of Russian and English words/sounds. When he's finished I can usually have him laughing almost immediately just by making a funny face or tickling him.

Jake and Gabe still have their share of tough moments, figuring out their new relationship as brothers, but they are having more and more moments of this, too.  There is no sweeter sound than that of your kids belly laughing with each other.  These two can crack each other up like no others.  They seem to "get" each other's humor :-)

These are just a few of the examples of what big positive changes Gabe has gone through since being adopted.  I think back to those first visits with him, and those first few weeks home and I am amazed he is the same boy.  It finally feels like so many of his protective layers have finally been peeled back, and his true, adorable personality is beginning to show.  He has such a fun personality-he appreciates humor and loves to say "silly" when things are funny.  He loves to be tickled.  He loves for me to swing him around in my arms.  He loves to play dress-up and dance.  He LOVES to be outside and dig in the dirt, water the grass with the hose, and just run.

::

Some random photos from our life these past few weeks:

At a rest stop on the drive to Utah recently.  These two were being silly and getting huge laughs from each other.  

The drive to Utah was pretty fun because it was a mix of rain and sun and rainbows.

I have been working like mad in the yard this spring and  decided I needed a garden hat.  Gabe seemed to like my choice :-)

Besides the skinned knees, look at his legs!  No longer just skin and bones, there is something to squeeze now!

Watching Gabe and Leah figure out sibling-hood has been  fun.

 

My thoughts often return to the other children in Gabe's orphange, and the hundreds of others waiting for families of their own.  Adoption is scary.  Its a giant leap of faith.  It is not easy, any of it.  But neither is anything worth having or doing or being.  And watching Gabe unfold into the boy he was meant to be, knowing what his life would have been like living in an institution for the rest of his life, well, there really aren't words for it.  I feel profoundly privileged to witness it all and be his mom, forever.  If you've ever thought about adoption, look into it.  There is a whole worldwide adoption community out here ready to support you and answer any questions you might have.  There are millions of children, here and abroad, who need a family.  I guarantee there is one who would fit perfectly into your family.  Think about it :-)

Slide

Kennedy is playing soccer this spring and Brian is her coach again. They practice at a great park, so sometimes I take the other three along and we play while Kennedy practices. Gabe has discovered he LOVES the twisty slide. He kept going round and round, up the stairs and down the slide. The cutest part? How he says "slide!" and signs it too when he gets to the bottom.

In so many moments in every day, I think to myself, "I have to blog about this tonight!"  But by the time I am laying down with Gabe to get him to sleep, I am often either completely exhausted or not feeling all warm and fuzzy about things and don't feel like sharing.  Just being honest here!  But tonight, after I put Gabe to sleep, I felt such love, deep and true, for this little one who I am so thankful is my son, that I couldn't wait to get on here and share what the past couple of months have held, the beautiful moments and the difficult ones.  No one is fooled by an adoption blog that is all sunshine and roses, at least I hope they aren't.  Parenting a biological child is incredibly difficult at times.  Parenting a child you've only known for less than a year can be beyond difficult, while you're waiting for the bonds to seal.

During our time in Russia, and during the first couple weeks home, Gabe was a fitful sleeper.  After he fell asleep, I couldn't help but try to stroke his hair or cheek, or tiny little arm and hand.  I wanted him to feel my love and the safety there.  But each time I did, it was met with an abrupt lashing out, while he was still soundly sleeping.  Any touch was met with a strong rebuff.  I wondered if maybe he shared a bed at the orphanage with another child, and was used to fighting for his space even in his sleep.  I wondered other things too, but chose not to spend too much time wondering why.  Sometimes kids are just fitful sleepers, but this seemed like more.  Anyway, this started to improve after a few weeks home.  And tonight, I came home from the store just in time to tuck him in.  He likes to have me lay next to him in his bed while he falls asleep.  We read a story, sing two songs, and talk a bit about our day.  Tonight he was telling me how he dressed up as a firefighter (one of Jake's old Halloween costumes) and also had a cape on.  He did this by gesturing and trying to say the word and by signing "firefighter", then grabbing the back of his shirt to show me "cape".  I give him the words to what he's trying to express and he amazes me at his ability to imitate my English.  Several weeks ago he had 25 English words he used correctly and in the right context.  25 words in only a few weeks time!  And now I'm sure he has at least 10 more.  One of my favorite is "kisses!"  After we've done our bedtime routine, I give him a kiss and he kisses me back and always smiles and exclaims, "kisses!"  I love it.

Anyway, tonight his poor little cheeks and chin were dry from being outside on a cool windy day today.  We planted some flowers together and took a walk to the park near our home, where we met some friends to play.  Later, he played outside with friends from the neighborhood as I worked in the yard.  In bed, he turned to me and whimpered a little and said, "chin, chin." His little chin was bothering him.  He has a habit of picking at his scratches or hurts, so I took his hand and held it gently and told him not to touch his chin so the lotion could work to make it better.  He settled into the crook of my arm, laid his hand on my chest, sleepily said, "mama," and was soon snoring away.  This is the same child that only two months ago was repelled by any kind of cuddling at bedtime.  It  used to make my heart hurt to have him take my arm off his body and push it away, even though I understood where this was coming from.  I knew it would take time to trust, time to believe that I wasn't just another care giver, time to realize just what a mama was.  And so tonight, as I laid there with my sleeping boy, stroking his hair and perfect eyebrows, holding his hand close to me and feeling his tiny body snuggled next to mine, all without any attempt to push me away, I truly marveled at what a change he has gone through.  I felt immeasurably blessed to be able to witness this change.  It is like watching the butterfly emerge from its cocoon, slowly but surely expanding his wings, taking in the sunshine and all of the possibilities around him.  And it reminds me all the time of how my Heavenly Father has always been so patient with me, forgiving me over and over, always patiently waiting for me to become the butterfly he knows I can be.  And so I remember that when the trying days and moments come.  I remember to just wait with my love for Gabe, keep it in my pocket for when the challenging moment passes and I can pull it out and encircle him in it.

::

The past two months have been the hardest and most blessed of my life.  I feel like I was well schooled in attachment and all of the possible situations we might face once we brought Gabe home.  In the back of my mind I tried to prepare mentally for the worst possibilities, just in case.  Thankfully, we haven't faced anything that has completely blindsided me.  But something I wasn't as prepared for, even though I had heard it discussed before by other adoptive moms, is how, sometimes, it takes longer for you, the parent, to attach to your new child, than it does for the child to attach to you.  I didn't want to think about this!  In your mind, you imagine yourself bringing this child home and immediately falling in love!  And in many ways, I did, when he was being an angel.  But when he wasn't, I was so surprised at how quickly my feelings could swing from adoration to frustration and detachment.  Just when I thought I was doing so good, something would happen that would take my feelings in the other direction, and I would have tremendous guilt because of it.  I would ask myself why this was so difficult.  Why could I only feel that bonding kind of love for him when he was acting "good", I wondered.

I have come to realize that time and shared experiences are great healers, and that feelings of unconditional love come through serving him.    The days that I had the hard feelings were the days I was busy doing things other than spending quality time with my kids.  They were the days I had to get something done around the house, or go to work, or focused too much on myself.  I came to know that I needed to focus on spending the time to be face-to-face with Gabe throughout the day.  The more I did this, the more my feelings changed for the better.  And over time, I began to be able to stay even-headed even in the most trying of moments.

I remember on our first trip to Russia, how he loved to play doctor, thinking about how Jake loved that also, and how much fun they would have playing it together.  I was right :-)

As I did this, I began to see big changes in Gabe.  One of these was his eye contact.  If you think about eye contact, it is the most intimate of communication.  So much of what we say and how we mean it is expressed in the eyes.  If we don't feel safe or comfortable with a person, we avoid eye contact.  I still remember clearly our first visit in the orphanage.  He was wild!  He wouldn't hold still for more than two seconds!  And he almost never made eye contact.  He would only look at you for a quick second.  He loved wrestling with Brian and running around and I sat there and wondered if I would be able to handle a child like this.  How grateful I am that I was able to see beyond his orphanage survival behavior and know that he had a beautiful personality inside that was just waiting to feel safe to emerge.  By our last visits with him, his eye contact had improved somewhat, which gave me a great indication that this could improve greatly once home.  I have treasured watching Gabe finally feel safe enough to look me in the eye, to smile while doing so, not just a courtesy smile or a smile to get something he wants, but a real and lingering smile.  It has taken him time to work up to this.  His eyes smile the most beautiful smile.  And every time we connect with our eyes, he gets a message of, "I love you, I am your mama, I will never leave you, you will never be alone again, you can trust me, I will take care of you."  These moments of sharing our feelings through our eyes make me feel so much more bonded to him.  So as I laid there tonight as he slept peacefully beside me, I felt a wave of gratitude wash over me.  I am taking this journey one day at a time, savoring the special moments and working my way through the challenging ones.  There can't be rainbows without a little rain, and the amazement of the rainbows always wash away any memory of the rain.

Olga

Gabe's dear friend and the only mother figure he's ever known, Olga, came to see us a couple days before we left Moscow.  Olga has been visiting Gabe since he was just a baby in the orphanage.  She instantly fell in love with him, his dark brown eyes staring wide-eyed up at her from his pram as she volunteered to take him for a walk on the orphanage grounds.  She stole away with him in the trees and took him from his stroller for probably the first time ever and watched delightedly as he oohed and ahhhed over the grass and nature around him.  She's been coming back nearly every week since then.  Four and a half years.  In a perfect world, in a perfect Russia, Olga would be Gabe's mother.  She wasn't able to adopt him, so she set out on a mission to find him a family who would love him the same way she did.  Mission accomplished....

She brought some homemade chicken noodle soup for Gabe because he had been sick.  He just loved how she fed it to him.

I love how he's looking at her in this one.  He loves her too, just as much as she loves him.

Olga brought gifts for Gabe and for me and Brian and Vika.  He just loved these hand puppets.

Showing him how the noise maker works.  I love each of our expressions.

Like any child, the packaging is always more fun than the toys...

So much love.

Gabe's Russian mom and American mom.

Gabe helping Olga get her coat on.  Saying goodbye was very emotional for me.  

How do you say thank you to a woman who helped you complete your family?  How do you thank someone for making the ultimate sacrifice-finding him a foreign family for his own sake, knowing she wouldn't get to visit him weekly anymore?  There are no words adequate enough.  I love you so much, dear Olga.

Olga took some photos with her camera. 

We will always remember you, dear "Vola", and I promise Gabe will always know who his dear  Russian mother is.